Mao in Beverly Hills

By Yelena Tylkina

Little Suzy heard a splash and happy, horny, ecstatic noises in the pool area of the house. She rushed to the back door. In the pool, an enormous being was joyfully doing laps in the organically treated turquoise water. The thing was translucent and a pink glow reflected from its weird shape. Some kind of hybrid between a human baby and …

Oh! – Little Suzy’s teeth became painfully sensitive and she felt a numbness spreading in her chest creating a sensation as if her rib cage was frozen solid. She gasped for air…

From the age of seven, Suzy dreamed about being an alien abductee. In two months she would have her 13th birthday- but now, her batmitzva dreams had already come true. She could already see the headlines:

“Extra! Extra! Extraterrestrial Contact in Sunny Southern California!”

“Little Suzy is the Princess of the Black Hole!”

Left behind on her bed with three hundred dollar sheets were all the negative criticism about the extra piece of chocolate cake, Butterfingers, Mars Bars, size eleven shoos, flaming acme and boys. Suzy was about to become a star.

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Respectable Ruth Rothko was a quiet, intellectual woman, who loved everyone and was loved by everyone in return. All of the Save the Earth, animals, ozone layer, green forest, and hungry baby societies got generous donations from her. Ruth enjoyed gardening and conducted a heavy correspondence on the net and in the old-fashioned manner: by mail. From foreign envelopes she occasionally made collages and participated in local art exhibitions, wrote books and articles on the subject of comparative religion, was an undeveloped piano player, a vegetarian, and single.
The last two mentioned facts were a sore subject to her devoted Ecuadorian housekeeper, who felt that her unique talent for cooking delicacies made of hooves and intestines was totally wasted in the United States.

On her 42nd birthday, Ruth received a considerable number of interesting presents, among them, a large, healthy looking pig which, according to her housekeeper, would bring happiness, good luck and a sense of “center” to any person and, especially, to a woman in need of a mate.

“Family is the most important thing”.

Rosa Rubella Tamara Gonzalez – “Perez” - by marriage, was living proof of this. She had left behind five children, four of which were “masculine”. Truly, she was blessed! One day, when Rosa goes back to Ecuador (only God knows when!) she will always have someone to meet her with open arms and open hands.

Ruth was more fluent in French than Spanish, but she got the drift and kept the pig. The beast was smart, sly and lazy, had an enormous body, a narrow cut pair of ever-suspicious eyes and atrociously bad hygienic habits. He was a spitting image of the former leader of the People’s Republic of China: Mao Tse Tung. Ruth recognized the unique qualities of her new pet’s character and her intelligence and weird sense of humor would not settle for a less suitable statement than a Swarovsky crystal collar with three letters: M-A-O.

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Myopic Suzy did not have the courage to introduce herself to the alien. Instead, with sweaty, chubby fingers, she betrayed her only chance for happiness and dialed 911.

The police dispatcher transmitted the message that at certain address, in an upscale neighborhood, there was a great disturbance. Apparently, some illegal aliens, probably drunk Mexicans, got carried away and were furiously trashing the place.

Police Officers Travis Good and Judy Freeman were very disappointed in discovering that the drunk Mexicans were nothing more then one, single, gigantic, ill-tempered pig wearing what appeared to be a diamond collar shining like the Milky Way. The officers looked one at another with the collective thought that they may be hallucinating from the sugar overflow in their brains from all those mouth-watering, double-chocolate donuts.
But this was not a game for the officers of the police force. They hoped that the boar with the expensive jewelry would simply melt in the chlorine. But little Suzy interjected that her family was environmentally aware and used only organic products. She added that her mother could not be disturbed at the moment, because she had just undergone a “ butt lift” and was presently under medication and that their Polish housekeeper was at the pharmacy, but would be back shortly.

Officers Travis Good and Judy Freeman tried to scare the pig out of the pool by using different types of police tactics: polite persuasion, insults, threats, bribes, to even firing a few gun shots in the air. As a direct result of all the commotion, Mao had a healthy bowl-movement and several dark sausages of fresh feces began to float in circles around him.

However, a boar, with an historic name like Mao, was not so easy to intimidate. If reincarnation exists, then the spirit of the leader of China’s Revolution would continue to do his leisurely laps as he pleased.

The police officers had had enough and called the Animal Control Center.
Within minutes, it became very crowded at the pool. The pool was drained, but the boar was fast, slippery and noisy. He squealed, bit and released himself constantly. The battle with Mao took much longer than anyone expected. By sundown, the dedicated civil servants were about to give up. Officer Good was very close to putting an end to all the nonsense and to have a fantastic barbeque - with the beer on him. He slowly removed his pistol, cocked it and aimed at the letter “O”.

Sensing the immediate danger, Mao lunged at his would be attacker and bit him in the crotch.

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As Ruth arrived home, she heard a shot and Mao’s squeals for help. She rushed to her neighbor’s back yard and began to frantically plead for the life of her sweet, innocent pet. Ruth reassured everyone that she knew what she was doing. She brought a wide plank, carefully placed it at the shallow end of the pool, and began to gently call him. Agile as a cat, Mao climbed out of the pool and began to nibble lovingly on Ruth’s sleeve while making soft, happy, snorting noises and moving his snout up and down, begging for approval and a cookie.

Ruth commanded Mao to perform some tricks: he walked on his hind feet; he rolled over; he played dead. The tired, wet, and recently frustrated crowd broke into applause. But, in the middle of all this happiness, little Suzy suddenly collapsed in a fit of hysterical tears. Everyone thought that this was merely the after effect of excitement and exhaustion. Little did they know that Suzy had just realized that her dream of becoming an alien abductee had just evaporated: the glowing pink alien with fluffy, translucent ears was only a neighbor’s pet pig. Suzy’s housekeeper also burst into tears. Mao evoked some sentimental memories of the sweet family that she left behind in a small village in her beloved Poland and especially her husband, Joachim, the freckled albino who was obedient only to heavy liquor and his hardworking wife.

Mao’s day of adventure had exhausted him and, as he rested at the feet of lonely Ruth, he began to make plans for tomorrow, for the future.

Fiction @2003